


Soulmates

by gleeksfreaksandwannabes



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Missing Scene, i missed the parabatai bond, post 2.19
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-13 06:10:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11753664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gleeksfreaksandwannabes/pseuds/gleeksfreaksandwannabes
Summary: He can feel it through the bond. The emptiness, the pain, the utter heartbreak pouring off his parabatai. It's killing him.Or: the parabatai scene I wished was in episode 2.19.





	Soulmates

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry it's been a while guys, it's been rather hectic but I promise I'm still writing, I'm just working on some longer stuff and trying to get that to a point where I'm happy with it.  
> Episode 2.19 really stuck out to me as needing a parabatai scene, especially because of how badly Alec is hurting right now, so I felt like I needed to write that.
> 
> This is dedicated to my honorary parabatai Aylene, who wanted a scene like this probably more than I did!
> 
> As always, you can find me on tumblr [here](http://gleeksfreaksandwannabes.tumblr.com)!

The soft knock on the infirmary door startled Jace out of his daze, and as he blinked at the light reflecting off the stark white bedsheets, he realized he had fallen asleep.

“Come in,” Jace’s voice came out hoarse and it burned at his throat as he swallowed. Apparently, being almost choked to death did something to your throat. Who knew.

The door opened a touch, and Alec slipped is head in, checking the room before entering and shutting the door behind him,

“I thought Clary might be here,” Jace couldn’t help the way the corner of his mouth went up as Alec mentioned her name any more than he could help the flop of his stomach,

“She just left,” his voice burned in his throat as he spoke, and he swallowed again as Alec made his way over to the cart beside the bed and poured a glass of water,

“Here,” he said softly, handing the glass over, sitting on the bed at Jace’s feet as Jace downed it gratefully. He made to get up, but Alec took the glass off him, filling it and returning it to him silently.

“Thanks,” Jace said tentatively, taking another drink. “Alec, we kissed,” Alec didn’t look up from where he was bustling around with cloths and herbs. He sat down again, lifting his shirt and dabbing at a wound that Jace realized was dangerously close to his brother’s heart.

“That’s great, Jace,” he said distractedly, his eyes on his arm, where he was now drawing an Iratze, and Jace saw with an uncomfortable jolt to his stomach that hand was trembling. “that’s great.”

“Alec,” Jace began carefully, but Alec didn’t look up. He seemed intent on doing anything, looking anywhere but at Jace, and Jace was beginning to worry “what’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Alec put the stele down, setting about cleaning up the herbs and cloths he had used. He worked wordlessly and methodically, almost as if he was on autopilot, but he froze as Jace spoke again,

“Come on,” he said, pushing himself up so that he was sitting up straighter in the bed and stifling a groan at the movement “you haven’t been yourself for days, and don’t tell me it’s because of what’s happening with Valentine.”

“Jace, I’m fine.” he wasn’t. Jace could tell just by the set of his shoulders as his brother stood facing the window, the tension in his posture that he had been carrying silently for days.

“You can’t lie to me, Alec,” Jace said finally “I feel you, remember?” he placed a hand on his parabatai rune, even though he knew Alec couldn’t see; it had been uncomfortably numb for the past few days, not as if Alec was emotionally fine, but as if something was missing from him, as if he was hollow inside. Jace hated it.

“I can try,” Alec said ruefully. So, he was lying, not that Jace was going to bring that up now, not when his brother was in so much pain.

“Alec, please,” with an effort, Jace pushed himself out of bed and stood, the wound on his abdomen was burning, but he ignored it “I’m your parabatai, I want to help you, please just talk to me,”

“You can’t,” was all he said, sounding defeated.

“I can try,” Jace returned gently, putting a hand on Alec’s shoulder, his heart aching as his brother flinched at the touch “you’ve been like this since the Downworlder cabinet,” he said carefully “is it about Magnus?” Alec was silent for a moment, before turning around, and Jace’s stomach felt like it dropped into his shoes.

His parabatai was staring at him, his hazel eyes glistening with tears that threatened to fall. There were more tears rolling slowly down his cheeks, but he didn’t appear to be crying; it was as if he had tried to keep himself together, but the tears had fallen anyway. Despite being taller, Alec looked so small as he gazed at his brother, as if he were a lost child, desperate for someone to gather him into their arms and comfort him. It broke Jace’s heart. Alec hardly ever cried, even when he broke his arm trying to copy some ridiculous stunt Jace had dared him to do as a child, but this was another kind of pain, this was much worse.

He looked exhausted too, exhaustion that Jace had never seen on him before. He had seen his brother bone tired and weary, stumbling into his bedroom after a long patrol or hours of paperwork, but this was different. It was as if Alec’s soul was tired, Jace could feel it through the bond, could feel the sheer effort it took for Alec’s broken heart to keep beating, for his soul to keep him where he was. His parabatai was numb, his heart beating in a hollow chamber and his body empty and tired, too tired to wipe away his own tears, or even notice they were there. There was a part of him missing, Jace realized, a dull ache he felt when he reached out for Alec’s soul, the part that had only been reawakened the night his wedding to Lydia was called off.

“It’s over,” Alec said, his hollow voice sending a chill through Jace’s bones; this wasn’t his Alec, not anymore; this Alec was broken, holding himself together because he didn’t have a choice. Because there was a war going on, and Valentine wasn’t going to stop just because he was upset. It broke Jace’s heart.

“Bastard,” he muttered, a flash of anger flaring in him at Magnus for doing this to his brother, but Alec shook his head in defeat.

“He had to choose between me or the Downworld,” he said tiredly “it was just too hard,” he sat down on the infirmary bed with a sigh, his hands clasped as he leaned his elbows on his knees. Jace noted with a start that they were trembling.

'I wasn’t enough… it was too hard to be with me… he didn’t want me anymore…'

Jace could hear the words almost as clear as if Alec was speaking them himself. His soul was crying out, his heart breaking with each beat.

'I’m not worth it…'

“Alec,” Jace said breathlessly, the heartache and pain rolling through the parabatai rune knocking the wind out of him “you’re more than worth it, I swear,” if he wasn’t so broken, Alec might have been startled that Jace could read him so well. As it was, he simply shook his head, hanging it in defeat as Jace spoke.

“Alec, look at me,” his brother looked up reluctantly; the tears were mostly dry now, but his hazel eyes were still lifeless, the colour somehow duller, the spark that Jace had grown accustomed to since Magnus had come into his life was gone “you are worth more than some dumb politics, OK? Magnus loves you, I know he does, and once all this blows over he’ll realize what a mistake he made in letting you go,”

Alec was silent, considering Jace’s words, as if he was trying desperately to find the truth in them. Because they were true, Jace was sure Magnus would come back after everything, but it hurt him to know that Alec wasn’t just questioning that. Jace had thought being with Magnus had helped Alec realize he was worth more than he thought, but now that they had broken up, it was as if he was back to square one. Back to when Robert and Maryse that he had to be better, faster, stronger, more powerful, a better leader. Back to when they told him he wasn’t good enough.

It was enough to have Jace considering barging into Magnus’ apartment and demand that he apologize for making his brother hurt like this.

“You really mean that?” Alec said eventually, looking up from his hands, his hazel eyes boring into Jace’s, searching his face almost desperately for reassurance.

“Of course I do,” Jace said earnestly “there’s a reason I picked you as my parabatai, and it’s not because you don’t ask about my love life.” Despite himself, Alec let out a breathy chuckle “Alec, you’re one of the bravest people I know. Not because you’re an incredible Shadowhunter, because you are. Because you went after what you wanted, even though you were terrified. I could feel you up on the altar that day, you know? You had been off all day, but the minute Magnus stepped through those doors it was overwhelming. You had this tornado of emotions battling it out inside, fear and relief, it’s a wonder you didn’t faint.” Jace paused as Alec offered him a small smile “I tried to shut off my emotions for you, so you could make the decision on your own. I figured you’d be debating with yourself up until the last second, but when you started walking down from the alter it was like a huge weight was lifted off your shoulders, and I knew then that you’d made the right decision. I was so scared for you, Alec,” he went on hesitantly, knowing this was a touchy subject for his brother,

“I knew how you felt about me as soon as the memory demon showed my face, the terror you felt then was unmistakable, but after that I felt you shift. I knew on your wedding day that you were talking about Magnus, but you were still going to marry Lydia, and I knew it would have killed you, but I couldn’t say anything, I couldn’t push you into facing something you weren’t ready to face, so I just watched. I watched you do one of the bravest things I’ve ever seen you do Alec, and I know Magnus thinks so too, and I’m sure that’s why he loves you. He does still love you,” Jace added, seeing Alec’s apprehension “I know he does, how can he not? You’re amazing, Alec, and it kills me that you don’t see it; you’re kind and compassionate, you’re loyal and you’re brave, and you’re the best damn leader this Institute has ever seen. I swear, Alec, once this is all over, everything will be OK again,”

“You don’t know that,” Alec said in a low voice, shaking his head.

“Yes I –“

“Jace, you don’t,” he said sharply “the only time anything has ever been OK for me is with Magnus. I’m just not the sort of person that stuff happens to… I’m not you,”

The words felt like a punch to the gut, his chest aching as they sunk in. Jace knew Alec was self-conscious, he knew his brother wasn’t as confident as he was, but this… this was so much worse. It all made sense, in some horrible way; the way Alec used to draw back when people praised Jace, keeping his distance and smiling politely while people doted over Jace, the way he preferred the arrow over the seraph blade – Jace could never understand why he didn’t want to be in the heat of the battle, destroying demons and saving mundanes, until now. Jace’s stomach turned as he remembered the way Alec would curl in on himself, trying to hide despite his height, as if he hoped that if he didn’t draw any attention to himself, he could disappear behind… behind Jace…

“No Alec,” Jace said finally, turning to face his brother “you’re not me. You’re better. You’re the one who destroyed a greater demon, who was kind to a little warlock girl you didn’t know, despite what she could do with her powers, you stopped the Inquisitor from executing Magnus, because you were the only one who knew he wasn’t Valentine, you founded the Downworlder cabinet to achieve peace within the Shadow World, and you’re leading the Institute despite the hell that’s going on around us, not to mention the countless times you’ve saved all of our asses. You’re the one who loves unconditionally and with everything you have, you’re the one who protects us no matter what, and you’re the bravest Shadowhunter I’ve ever known. Alec, there are so many reasons Magnus fell in love with you, he’d be a fool not to see that, and I know that once all this is over, you’ll find your way back to each other, because that’s what soulmates do.”

“You don’t believe in soulmates,” Alec said quietly.

“I didn’t,” Jace said “not until I saw you with Magnus. You’re it, Alec, I know you are.” Alec let out a shaky sigh, his voice wavering as he spoke,

“I miss him, Jace,” he sighed as he pulled Alec into his side, wrapping an arm around his brother’s shoulders.

“I know you do, brother,” 

 

He didn’t know how long they sat like that, Alec leaning with his head on Jace’s chest, Jace’s cheek resting against Alec’s head and his arm tightly around him, but soon Jace’s side began to ache, and he stifled a groan as he took in a wheezy breath.

“Iratze’s wearing off,” Alec said gruffly, sitting up and slipping out of Jace’s grasp to take his stele from the bedside table. Jace lifted his shirt wordlessly and Alec went about drawing the healing rune on his chest “there,” he said gently when he was done “should last you through the night,”

“Thanks,” Jace said weakly, although he could feel the Iratze working already, knitting together his punctured lung as his breathing became easier.

“Don’t mention it, but you need to get some sleep,” Alec said, pulling the blanket up over his brother as Jace lay down “I’ll see you in the morning,” he grabbed his stele from the bed and made his way over to the door,

“And Jace?” Alec called, his hand hovering over the light switch.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you,”


End file.
